We Notice

One of the occupational hazards of being a professional listener - or is it just for the author of this blog? - is that we notice very acutely how well or badly everyone around us listens. In every situation, it’s second nature to notice who listens well and who doesn’t. Who interrupts and who doesn’t. Who jumps in to give unsolicited advice and who doesn’t. 

We notice who asks great questions that elicit thoughtful deeper responses. We notice who gives space for others to be thoughtful and deliberate when they’re talking, instead of filling up every pause with another question or comment. We notice who validates others’ experiences and feelings, acknowledging that the experiences and feelings are real. We notice who is warm and empathetic, respectful and kind, positive and reassuring. We also notice who is not. 

We notice who takes their time to allow others to tell their story. We notice who hurries others along, seemingly impatient, as if they just want to move on to something or someone more important to them. We notice who appears to be genuinely interested and can feel who does not. We notice. 

It’s both a blessing and a curse.

The last few days have given me a lot of practice at this noticing. A family member had a medical emergency and needed to visit two urgent care centers, a hospital emergency department, and subsequently needed surgery and is now recovering. I’ve witnessed the listening skills and interactions of scores of people - surgeons, anesthesiologists, specialists, family health team members, nurses, therapists, schedulers, food service personnel, technicians, housekeepers, and emergency responders. Almost to a person, I’m very grateful and thrilled to share that I have witnessed some tremendous listening and empathy skills. It has been truly heartening.

Almost everyone involved was patient, gentle, compassionate, attentive, and kind. They were respectful and caring. They asked great questions and responded, not in medical-speak, but in terms that were easy to understand and follow. They answered directly, without evasion or creating confusion. They were reassuring and encouraging, positive and not rushed. They gave their time and really seemed to care about their patients and their well-being. I was very impressed and comforted to witness what I thought were impeccable bed-side manners.

Trust me, trust us, we’ve heard enough horror stories about medical professionals who have terrible bedside manners. We’ve each even experienced some of those terrible manners ourselves. But there are many medical professionals who are dedicated, empathetic, and wonderful. I’ve seen so many of them this week. 

When we are in a painful, frightening, or vulnerable health crisis, we especially need caregivers who actually can assure us that they truly care and are excellent at what they do. To experience them is a tremendous and reassuring gift. When we or those we love are in a situation that is life- threatening, we especially need not only excellent medical attention, but genuinely caring and empathetic professionals who are offering their attention to us. Great listening is at the start and heart of that attention, and great listening goes a long, long way toward calming our fears, giving us hope, and reminding us that we are not in the crisis alone. 

I felt that this week, with virtually every one of the medical professionals I witnessed taking excellent care of someone I love.  

We all hear and read about enough of the horror stories of medical care. But we all also need to hear and read about the stories in which compassion, gentleness, reassurance, and encouragement - all with great listening as their foundation - are real and true and more common than we too often think.