Three Simple Words That Will Change The Way You Lead

Timidly, sitting in a first-year math class (as a Junior in high school!) I felt my palms getting sweatier and sweatier by the minute. I raised my hand like I was holding a 50ib weight in it.  Working with numbers has never come easily or naturally to me, and I felt as if I was falling further behind. I couldn’t stand the tension any longer.   

“Mr. Quinn”, my voice probably cracking as I said his name, “I’m embarrassed to ask this, and I kinda feel like an idiot, and I’m sorry if it’s a stupid question, but I’m having a hard time following along today and I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same way?”  

Mr. Quinn, who was also my high school baseball coach, always loaded with empathy, knew Math didn’t come easily or naturally to me, responded: 

“Tom, thank you, always, for your questions…first off, there are no stupid questions…only stupid people afraid to ask them…and not one of you in this room is stupid.”  

Mr. Quinn always had a good sense of  humor, with a keen ability of putting everyone at ease in tense moments. I had seen and experienced it first hand on the baseball field when I was in a hitting slump and in the classroom when I looked like a deer in highlights, as I did that afternoon.  

“Secondly, I appreciate your honesty.”  

He then asked others in the room if they understood what he had been teaching the previous hour.  

“Is anyone else feeling lost?!”  

His question could’ve made me feel even worse if I was the only one in the room who felt that way, but without hesitation, nearly every hand was raised. Mr. Quinn again affirmed me for my honesty, my leadership, and my thoughtfulness, as it helped everyone else in the class from falling further behind. He spent the next 30 minutes reestablishing a connection with the whole class, allowing each student to express their thoughts, questions, and perspectives.  

Over the last few years, we’ve immersed ourselves in the wisdom of “The” Dalai Lama.  Throughout his life The Dalai Lama has communicated and modeled a way of love, acceptance (of oneself and others), and finding joy amidst immense suffering. We did a series of blog posts about The Book of Joy and the earnest dialogues between The Dalai Lama and his dear friend, the late Bishop Desmond Tutu, in 2022. These saintly human  beings spent an entire week together discussing the topic of joy in an often fearful, hurtful, unsettling world. Their friendship and the values they shared together inspire us to be something better, something more.  

Earlier this week a leadership cohort I’m a part of shared this video which was both humorous and serious about The Dalai Lama’s title, his demeanor, and his values.  In the video, the speaker focuses on an important leadership lesson, something leaders need to be reminded of throughout their lives. They are three simple words: 

I DON’T KNOW.  

The communicator in the video makes light of those three simple words by saying, “You are The Dalai Lama, how do you not know?!” He then expresses how mature leaders, wise leaders, vulnerable leaders are willing, comfortable, and able to utter those three powerful words. Leaders who trust others in the room to help discern the best ways forward when at a standstill, when the future is uncertain, when the path is rocky, are truly the leaders most worth following.  

Part of the reason why I want to write about this concept is because recently in the middle of an important meeting, I had to utter those same three words.  I wouldn’t say I did it in a mature way, though, I was expressing those three words more out of fear, frustration, confusion, and an overall malaise. Those words were offered more out of resentment, and less out of a sense of invitation, and there is a big difference here.  

I’m an avid reader.  One book that I’ve read and reread is a heart-warming book that was recently turned into an Academy Award Winning short film – The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse – by Charlie Mackesy. This book is filled with timeless lessons and messages that I believe can guide us as we continue to embark on this daring and courageous mission called leadership.  

The story follows the journey of four unlikely friends: the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse.  The boy gets lost in the woods and can’t seem to find his way home.  He then meets up with the mole, the fox and the horse who help him feel less alone on his journey.  Each character has their own unique traits and struggles, but together they support each other and learn valuable lessons about life. Before I get into the book, I want to draw our attention to where we are in human history right now.  

A big part of my life’s work is drawing everyone’s attention to the loneliness epidemic.  Americans have become increasingly lonely and this lack of social connection is having profound effects on our mental and physical health. More than half of Americans are lonely, according to a recent survey released by the current Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy.  The study also found that young adults are almost twice as likely to report feeling lonely as those over age 65.  Dr. Murthy calls on the nation to strengthen its social fabric and to prioritize meaningful relationships. Whether we consider ourselves lonely or not, many of us can benefit from making the effort to rebuild and cultivate our connections with other people.

Dr. Murthy, in a New York Times article, suggested ways in which we can help to address this problem. His suggestions parallel the messages from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse:

Connect with People and Embrace Vulnerability.

The horse says, “Being vulnerable is actually a strength, not a weakness.” In a society that often values toughness and resilience above all else, it can be difficult to show vulnerability. But when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open up to others, we create deeper connections and build stronger relationships. Dr. Murthy invites us to spend 15 minutes a day contacting a friend or family member or coworker or classmate. “Be real. “We don’t have to be somebody else. We can just truly be us.” Who are the people in your life who give you the chance to be real, to be you?

Get Help.                                                         

 The characters in the book teach us about the importance of perseverance. The boy says, “Sometimes I want to give up, but then I think of all the people who would be sad.” Life can be challenging, but it is important to keep pushing forward and never give up on our dreams. Tell someone if you are struggling. It could be a relative, a friend, or colleague.

If you’re feeling persistently sad and hopeless, and it is getting in the way of your ability to function in your day-to-day life or to participate in activities that used to bring you joy, ask for help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up.  The boy asked: “What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” The horse responded: “Help!”  Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give up.

Of course, I’d be remiss to not bring everything back to listening. If we want to be an effective leader, we have to listen. A leader expresses genuine interest in and is curious about others’ hopes, dreams, and visions for the organization and for the personal lives of those they lead. Acknowledge what they say. Respond positively to their needs and desires, to their ideas. They will trust you, begin to express their thoughts, and respect you more and more. When you practice participatory leadership, the self-worth of each employee is reinforced. The best listening includes interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. Good listeners make the other person feel supported and convey confidence. Issues and differences can be discussed openly and constructively. Relevant questions can help to explain and reveal more vital information. As a leader, we must always remember that our way may not be the best way. Always use we statements instead of I statements. “How can we come up with a better solution to the problem?”  “What did we learn from the experience?”  When we are intentional about listening, we keep learning and growing. We learn to see from another’s perspective. We gain empathy. We grow in understanding another’s point of view. Human-centric leadership skills, used daily, bring out the best in everyone. Human-centric leaders believe they can learn from others, no matter who they are or what position they hold in the organization.

Leadership expert, CEO Emeritus of WD-40 Company, Garry Ridge says it this way in his book, The Unexpected Learning Moment: Lessons In Leading A Thriving Culture Through Lockdown 2020:

There’s a ridiculous part inside all of us that is driven to clue the world in on how much we know.  When we override that drive to hear ourselves talk, we give ourselves the chance to hear other people talk.  And then we stand to learn something…By being the first in the room to say, “I don’t know,” I’m giving others the chance to fill the void with game-changing information.  Or even to admit that they don’t know either, which is also critical for a leader to know. 

What happens when we listen to others’ voices by admitting those three simple words, “I don’t know”? We learn something new. We feel less alone. We learn to work together. We tap into each and everyone’s unique genius’. We trust each other more deeply. But unlike me, let’s not wait too long to express those three words when we are resentful, depressed, lonely, close to a bubbling over point, or on the brink of burnout.    

Is it scary to be vulnerable in this way? Certainly! Is it humbling to admit we don’t know the way forward? Is it awkward to be the one “in charge” and have to ask for help?  Heck yeah, it is!  But is it freeing to invite others into our struggle? 100%!  

And it’s 100% worth it!

“The best leader”, as another leadership expert, Patrick Lencioni, has stated, “is a self-aware leader”. 

If you don’t know, you don’t know, and that is perfectly fine.  

Just say so—and then listen. 

Photo by Yan Krukau