There is Power in Our Powerlessness

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.   

 ~Henri Nouwen

There are times or situations that all of us have experienced where we have been at a loss for words.  We receive a phone call from a friend with the news that he has lost a loved one suddenly, we get an email from our uncle that our aunt is leaving him for another man, a coworker receives the news that she is losing her job at your company and you are the first person they reach out to—what do you say?  

We have heard all the wrong things to say in those moments: 

• Things will work out for the best, they always do…

• It was his time, he is in a better place now…

• Something better will come your way, just hand in there…

• I know just how you feel, I went through the same situation before…

• With the economy so bad it is going to be really hard for you to get another job…

• When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

• You just have to suck it up and move on…

• You are never given more than you can handle…

• I’m sure there is a reason you are going through this…

We are sure that you have heard many others as well—platitudes that just aren’t helpful, that try to deny your feelings, that actually leave you more disheartened.

So what do you say?  The answer is pretty simple and straightforward: 

The best and most effective thing we can say to anyone going through a loss or a crisis or a seemingly overwhelming challenge is: “I’m Sorry”.  

We understand that people genuinely do care, want to say the right thing, and want to provide comfort and reassurance.  But we also understand that most of us are uncomfortable when others express intense feelings of sadness, anger, pain, bitterness, resentment–and we don’t know what to say!  Our instinct as human beings is to try to fix problems and find solutions quickly.  Too often we rush through difficult situations and almost short-circuit the natural process of anger, grief, sadness, and unrest when those feelings and emotions are necessary.  They can serve a vital purpose in truly healing from loss, disappointment, betrayal; we need them.  

It is so important to allow people the freedom to feel what they are feeling, to think what they are thinking, and to express what they need to say.  For only then, will they be able to truly process and understand and heal from their distress.  

Think of someone in your life right now who is going through a hardship of their own.  Instead of giving advice or offering solutions, what would it look like for you to simply acknowledging their wounds?  What would it look like for you to be silent in their confusion and their hour of bereavement?  What would it look like to tolerate not knowing, not fixing, not curing, but simply admitting your powerlessness to provide all the answers?

For we believe there is great power in that, in a friend who really cares.

Photo by Nick Night on Unsplash