The Importance of Sharing Our Feelings with the Right People

“I don’t know of anything that will help us find emotional health faster than being vulnerable with safe people.”  —Donald Miller

Over the holiday break we did something with our four kids we’ve never done before.  My wife’s Nana works at a thrift store and often finds random items she thinks our family would enjoy whether we have a good purpose for them or not.  My grandmother used to do the same thing, except her gift-giving mechanism was via QVC.  We do love that Nana thinks of us and wants the best for us!  In this instance, she picked up Hasbro’s classic game The Game of Life thinking we needed to add another game on top of the wobbling Jenga that has become our game closet.  

On a chilly December evening we gave our kids the option, play one of the games copyrighted in 2023 they had received from other family members not named Nana OR the 1970’s version of The Game of Life.  The well-worn, dusty, antiquated game Nana passed along to our family won the electoral college that evening.  Our kids, being both young in age and life experience with the (actual) game of (real) life, quickly rolled the dice and spun the wheel.  “Do you want car insurance?” my wife asked our 14 year-old son?  “You can purchase car insurance for $5,000.”  “No!  I want to save my money”, he quickly replied.  My wife and I laughed knowing that that decision might very well come back to bite him in the proverbial ass. 

And sure enough, it did.  

I recently had one of those moments in the actual game of real life.  

As soon as I said what I was feeling, I second (and third and fourth) guessed myself.  It was one of those moments I wish I could join Back to the Future’s Marty McFly in a time machine, rewinding time thirty minutes.  If you are a human being with human emotion, you’ve probably had those moments as well, wishing you could go back and purchase the auto insurance, refrain from saying what you said or acting the way you did.  And then second, or third, or fourth-guessing yourself, even if deep down inside you know what you did or said was the right thing for your emotional healing and overall well-being.  

At Someone To Tell It To we call this vulnerability remorse.  Vulnerability remorse is that sinking, sickening, sour feeling you feel in the pit of your stomach after having expressed something you’ve never expressed before.  

If you’ve followed Someone To Tell It To’s journey the past 12 years, you know that such a significant part of our mission is giving people a safe space to give voice to their feelings, proving an emotional catharsis of sorts.  At its core, sharing our feelings provides a cathartic release, akin to unburdening ourselves from the weight of bottled-up emotions. When we express what’s on our minds and in our hearts, it’s like opening a valve, allowing emotions to flow freely. This release is crucial for maintaining a healthy emotional balance.  

Based on our research of having had well over 20,000 listening interactions, we know that sharing our feelings fosters deeper connections with others and vulnerability helps build trust and intimacy in relationships.  Human connection is a fundamental need, and sharing our feelings is a powerful means of fostering deeper connections with others. When we open up, we invite empathy and understanding into our lives. It creates a bridge between hearts, allowing us to relate to and support one another on a profound level. Aside from the emotional release, there are also significant physiological and psychological benefits of expressing emotions.  Quite simply, we are healthier when we share the deeper, unseen things in our hearts and in our spirits.  

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, one aspect that often takes a backseat is our emotional well-being. Unbeknownst to many, the simple act of sharing our feelings can be a transformative and empowering experience.  Our feelings aren’t wrong, they simply are, and need (and deserve) to be expressed.  Society has, at times, perpetuated the notion that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness. This stigma surrounding vulnerability can lead to a culture of silence. Breaking free from this stigma is liberating, empowering individuals to embrace their authentic selves and encourage others to do the same.   

I’m always sensitive when it seems as if society vilifies emotions in any way.  In fact, I think it’s kind of dangerous when this has happened historically and may be why we’ve had many of the systemic problems we’ve had in our country and the larger world.  One metaphor I use (which was a metaphor shared with me by a close friend) for feelings is like the instrumentation on the dashboard…speed, oil, gas, RPM (and I’ll add that with our used vehicles in the Kaden household it’s been quite common for each of these 💡 💡 💡 to be on….hopefully 🤞 not all of them at the same time!).  Where we run into problems with feelings is when we use feelings as a GPS.

When I stop to think about the thousands of people who have shared openly, honestly, vulnerability to us and our team of listeners at Someone To Tell It To, and I include myself in this ever growing list, I realize how much courage it takes to be true to and with others.  Bestselling author and researcher Dr. Brene Brown stated: “Vulnerability is showing up and letting ourselves be seen when we can’t control the outcome”.  Vulnerability is throwing caution to the wind, it’s being true to ourselves and others, and letting others see the real us, our authentic selves.  Sharing our feelings is not only about releasing pent-up emotions; it’s also a powerful tool for healing. By vocalizing our thoughts and emotions, we take the first step toward understanding and processing them. This process is instrumental in building emotional resilience and coping mechanisms.

As we wrote about in our first book Someone To Tell It To: Sharing Life’s Journey: 

We can feel the pressures roll off their shoulders and melt from their hearts anytime people say to us, “I’ve never shared this with anyone else before.”  It’s in those moments that long-hidden secrets are revealed and long-held feelings are set free.

We see the sense of freedom they feel when they say that. It’s a sense of relief that a burden they’ve been carrying has been lifted, especially when their burden is shared in safety and in trust. It’s when light is shed on a corner of darkness within them that healing can begin.

We’re certainly not suggesting that people should expose every experience or thought or fear to everyone they meet. If you see what’s often revealed on the walls of Facebook or through the tweets on Twitter, you may agree that, sometimes, people publicly expose too much. But we do believe that it is critical to one’s emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical well-being to have safe people with whom to share. We all need someone with whom we can open up the depths of our souls, someone with whom we can be vulnerable.

For both of us our first published essays were stories about our own vulnerability.      

Michael: My essay “Fear” shared how frightened I was that my wife’s cancer would return, leaving me to care for our son and his severe disabilities alone. The story detailed one way in which I reacted, all too humanly, to the prospect of great loss and great responsibility that overwhelmed me.

Tom: My essay “Uncovered” shared how I despaired at not having a job and living in my sister-in-law’s attic with my wife and two young children. In my story, I revealed how unworthy I felt during that time and how I felt I was not measuring up as a husband and father to those I deeply loved.

We wrote those stories to help others, especially men, who were also living with fear and feelings of unworthiness, so they could know that they were not alone. We wrote to share how we ultimately overcame our feelings of anxiety and absence of self-esteem.

But we never could have written what would eventually become very public stories without first sharing them with our wives and with each other. Sharing with people we trusted allowed us to express the vulnerable places in our hearts. Without judgment. Without criticism. Without rejection. Without worry that we would be loved any less for it.      

We all need a safe place. As Donald Miller writes, we all need safe people who allow us to be fully human, fully open, and fully who we are. There is nothing healthier than being able to open our souls to those safe people in our lives. They can begin to help free us from the burdens that weigh us down and the pain that chips away our peace and our joy.              

Someone to Tell It To is who we are and who we want to be. We know what the need to unburden ourselves and express our vulnerability with someone who will not judge feels like. We know the freedom it brings and want others to know it too.  However, it’s not just about sharing with anyone; it’s about choosing the right people. Trusted friends, family members, or confidants create a safe space where our vulnerabilities are met with empathy rather than judgment. This careful selection ensures that our emotional expressions are met with the understanding and support we need.

Every day we hear stories from people living with cancer; stories about what it’s like to live with addictions; stories of loss and fear; stories of shame; stories about the struggle to find meaning; stories of those wrestling with their faith; stories of loneliness, rejection, and fear; stories of emptiness and longing for purpose; and stories of those who want to belong but don’t know how.

We understand that telling our stories to one another and providing a safe place is necessary in our world, which often feels disconnected and individualistic, a world in which we wear masks to hide and disguise our true selves. When we take off our masks, let others in, and share our stories, we help one another.  When we share our feelings openly, we become beacons of encouragement for others. Our vulnerability gives others the courage to express themselves, creating a ripple effect of emotional openness. In this way, we contribute to fostering a more compassionate and understanding community.

Wherever you find yourself on your journey today, we offer these reminders to keep sharing, to keep showing up as your authentic self, even, and especially, when you can’t control the outcome.  In a world that often emphasizes stoicism, embracing the importance of sharing our feelings is a revolutionary act of self-care. It is not a sign of weakness but rather a testament to our strength and authenticity. By creating spaces for open dialogue and cultivating connections with the right people, we embark on a journey of emotional wellness that has far-reaching effects on our overall health and happiness. So, let’s break the silence, share our feelings, and unlock the transformative power of emotional expression.

Photo by Alex McCarthy on Unsplash