The Beginning of Love

The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image …
Thomas Merton

Oh, it’s so hard, isn’t it?

To allow others to be who they are. To give them the gift of being the unique person they were created to be. To not attempt to mold them into the people we think they should be, someone more like us.

Yes. It’s hard. And it’s what gets us into trouble. It’s what creates so much conflict among us. It’s what generates resentments, hostilities and hurt. For those we try to contort and for us who end up being so frustrated that others are not just like we are.

We’ve both felt it. No doubt we’ve both been guilty of it too. But in our memories, some of which have been painful, we recall what it’s been like to have others try to twist us into their own image. We’ve felt diminished. We’ve felt constrained. We’ve felt as if we were somehow no good. When anyone’s autonomy and dignity are attempted to be taken away, when anyone’s gifts are no recognized and affirmed, the affect can be devastating.

There was the classmate who informed one of us that acknowledging the anxiety caused by public speaking was evidence that we weren’t worthy of being in graduate school. After all, that classmate was supremely confident in his ability to speak. He believed that anyone who got nervous before a presentation didn’t deserve to be part of the profession we were studying and pursuing.

There was the mentor who bluntly and frequently admonished one of us that our ability to be patient was a weakness. The mentor had little patience for anything. So, she often scorned the patience that was shown and was impatient with it, projecting her impatience and interfering in situations that didn’t evolve as quickly as she wanted them to. It usually caused more complications when she did.

There have been times when both of us have befriended others who haven’t always easily fit in or who have been left on the sidelines because of disabilities, chronic illness or other challenging life circumstances. And there have been times when both of us have been mocked for it, called soft or left out ourselves because we haven’t always run with the easily accepted kids.

We know what it feels like to be criticized if we have a different idea, a different approach or a different reaction. But different doesn’t always mean it’s wrong or a lesser response. It just means it’s different. It means that there isn’t always just one right answer, just one right way, just one right way of thinking.

We can actually learn from our differences. We can certainly grow through different experiences, from being introduced to different perspectives. Maybe there are many different ideas that are equally valid and equally worth considering and trying. Maybe there are many different temperaments and ways of approaching life that are equally beneficial to those who possess them. Maybe, just maybe, we all have something to offer to this life. Maybe our differences can combine to a more perfect whole, a more complete way of seeing the world and the meaning of our existence in it.

Maybe, just maybe.

We believe that it does. And God forgive us when we have not celebrated and affirmed the gifts those differences can bring.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves …

It’s so true and so hard sometimes. But maybe if we can remember what it has felt like when someone has tried to deny us from being our best selves, then we can allow one another to be theirs.

Photo by Kostiantyn Li on Unsplash