Solitude

It’s an interesting combination: Having a great fear of being alone, and having a desperate need for solitude and the solitary experience.  That’s always been a tug of war for me. 

     Jodie Foster 

She pours out everything for us.  Sparing virtually nothing.   Medical appointments.  Visitors.  Frustrations with neighbors.  Her fatigue.  Her fears.  Anger at her situation.  Her cat that pees on the floor.  Doubts.  Secrets.  Dreams.  The major developments and the daily minutia. 

You said I can tell you anything, right?  You said not to hold it back.  Well, here goes …

And then it comes.  She vents.  She cries.  She laughs.  She shares.  It’s not always pretty.  It’s not always happy.  It’s both sacred and irreverent at the same time.  Earthy and holy.  She shares love and hate.  Despair and hope.  Every high and each new low. 

She’s lonely and yet she longs for solitude.  She rarely gets time alone and yet she feels utterly alone most of the time.  Her caregiving, for a parent who needs constant help and for her husband who is seriously ill and in the hospital, drain her. She finds deep joy in her career, yet cannot work much because of her responsibilities at home.  When she is able to work she is often too drained to enjoy it 

There is chaos in her heart and soul and she longs to find release from it. 

As soon as we are alone,…inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distraction, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. This makes the discipline of solitude all the more important.

    Henri Nouwen

Solitude can bring out the best and the worst for us.  In solitude can experience incredibly dark moments within our souls.  We often fear being alone, when those dark thoughts creep into our heads.  Yet, we desperately need those moments, that solitude, to explore what is inside.  And when we do, in those moments we can also find peace.  In them, we can learn a lot about ourselves.    Clarity.  Direction.  Our core values – the  essence of who we are.  We learn what is important to us.  We can become centered and calm.  

It is a tug of war for many of us.  This search, this need, for solitude.  We fear it.  But we shouldn’t.  Confronting the demons, facing the fear, walking through the inner darkness, can ultimately be healing for us.  Helping us to find hope in our circumstances, especially in the hardest ones.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash