No One Takes the Time to Ask

“One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories.”

     Rebecca Falls

“No one ever takes the time to ask me what I’m interested in. They have no idea about all the things I like.”

It was a defining moment in our conversation. We were just meeting him for the first time. His fiancée, who was with him, we already knew. It would have been easy to write him off. He looked as if he didn’t want to be there, as if he really didn’t care about talking to us or about his wedding. It seemed as if he was enduring this meeting to please his fiancée and to humor us. At first sight, he was intimidating: tall and husky, like a football player. He wore a knit cap pulled down to his eyes. His face was bearded and unsmiling. It took some time to engage him in the conversation. But then a song came on in the background at the restaurant where we were meeting. He quietly began to sing along. We were surprised that he even knew it. It was a song from the ’80s. He was 26. It was on the charts well before his time.                                                                                       

His fiancée looked at us and said, “It’s his ADD.” Her comment brought him back to our conversation.

“Yeah. I’ve had it since I was a kid in school. It was always getting me in trouble. I hear music, and then I am drawn to it.”

One of us asked, “What kind of music do you like?”

“Everything,” he replied, engaged. “Classical. Maybe we oughta have ‘Moonlight Sonata’ at the wedding. Rock. Pop. Billy Joel. Elton John. I love Sinatra, the whole Rat Pack. Musicals.”

“Musicals? Wow. Which ones do you like?”

“Lion King. Cats. Les Miz. Phantom.”

We never would have guessed it. He looked like one of the least likely guys to love that kind of music. He quickly began opening up more about his life, the wedding, their relationship, and how they initially bonded over music. He was enthusiastic and talkative.

That’s when he quietly exclaimed, “No one ever takes the time to ask me what I’m interested in. They have no idea about all the things I like. No one ever listens to me.”

No one ever takes the time. No one ever asks. No one ever has any idea. No one ever listens. Here was this big, initially sullen-looking guy, his eyes wide now, animated, smiling, sharing some really basic things about himself and who he is that he was rarely ever invited to share. How often do we write others off simply because of their appearance or their initial demeanor? How often, then, do we fail to make the effort to go just a little deeper, missing out on getting to know what they like, how they think, and essentially, who they are? How many of us feel the way this young man has felt? How many of us feel as if no one is interested because they don’t make an effort to get to know who we are? Everyone has something to say. Everyone has something to offer.

When we simply take the time to ask and listen, even a few minutes, we can be wonderfully surprised about whom we meet and what they have to share. Who knows what might be revealed in the process? Who knows how you might help someone simply by showing that you care?

Who would guess that connecting with another human being, like this young man, could help everyone—including us—feel more alive?

_______________

We wrote this short story 10 years ago for our first book, Someone To Tell It To: Sharing Life’s Journey. It’s message was important to us because of the sheer numbers of people whom we meet and to whom we and our teams listen feel as if not ever asks, notices, cares, or appreciates much, if anything, about them. Feelings of loneliness and disconnection are far more rampant that most of us can even imagine. 

That is why listening well is the value that all of us connected with Someone To Tell It To hold in the highest regard.

We believe that listening is at the heart of all good and meaningful relationships, the key to showing and modeling respect - and ultimately, love - to one another. 

We believe in noticing one another, paying attention to what matters to others,                                                            to what brings them alive. It motivates every decision we make, every reaction                                                             we have, every action we take. We may not be perfect at it. But we certainly try                                                            to be our best at noticing what makes someone come alive and what is                                                           important and essential to and about them.                                      . 

We believe that the first step in listening well to others, above anything else, is to believe that everyone is worthy of being listened to, worthy of being heard, worthy of being given a voice to share their story, their truth. If we honor the common humanity we all share, offer others an opportunity to have dignity and agency as human beings, and believe that we can learn something from every single person, we will absolutely listen better to them.

When we believe these things and show that we believe them, others will begin to trust us, feel safer with us, and be more willing to be vulnerable with us because they know they are respected and valued.

Starting from this respectful place will open doors closed between us, dismantle walls built to separate us, unlocking hearts and minds that have created distance between us. 

Someone To Tell It To’s values stand on this foundation.

If we do not believe in one another’s worth and do not value them as just as significant to this world as we ourselves are, we will not listen as closely, as intently, or as well. We may pretend to listen or listen with only one ear, and we may not try to notice what is unspoken, unsaid.  

The foundational service that Someone To Tell It To started with in 2012, and continues to offer, has always been to listen with intentionality, empathy, and compassion. 

We do it by providing safety.

We do it without judging others about their thoughts, decisions, and actions. We do it without telling people what they “ought” to or should do. We do it without regard to their ability to pay for our services.

We do it because listening changes lives, and sometimes, even saves them. 

Listening to others reminds them that they have worth, that their stories matter, and that their voices and experiences deserve to be heard.

Someone To Tell It To, is helping others to feel more comfortable listening to others and giving them a safe place to tell their stories. Listening doesn’t have to be a formal, scheduled, sit-down conversation. It can be a momentary stop in a sports facility’s parking lot. It can happen on a walk on when you meet someone from your neighborhood whom you’ve never talked with before. It can happen standing on line at a coffee shop in the morning before work or at the bus stop before school or work. It can happen as you’re picking up dinner at the grocery store after work because it’s going to be a busy night and cooking isn't an option. Listening can happen in so many ways that aren’t planned. But those encounters and interactions can be deeply meaningful and helpful for those who are intentionally being heard, maybe for the first time that day. They can also be fulfilling and meaningful for those of you doing the listening. You’re making a connection and making a day just a little more positive (or maybe a lot more) for someone else who needs “someone to tell it to” along the way. 

Listening is both the scheduled interactions we have and the spontaneous, happenstance encounters that are not planned. We can listen for an hour or maybe even more. We can listen for five minutes and it can be enough. Listening can take place over a leisurely cup of coffee. And listening can be a momentary conversation, yet that lingers for hours in our minds. Listening’s impact cannot often easily be quantified. But listening’s effect can be richly qualified because of the sincerity and respect that a caring listener conveys to the one being heard.

There is a wonder-making power in listening’s gift to both the one telling the story and to the one hearing it and validating it with them. The world is changed by listening. It is enhanced by listening. It is made stronger by listening.

And, it can be saved by listening with a belief that everyone deserves to be heard and by acting upon that belief with empathy and care. We’ll never really know how someone might come alive, unless we are willing to ask and truly desire to hear what gives them life and meaning and joy.

Photo by Florian Wehde on Unsplash