How We Got Mean

“Why have Americans become so mean?”

This was the question asked by journalist and commentator David Brooks in an Atlantic article, in October 2023, “How America Got Mean”:

It got our attention. It’s a pertinent question to ask. 

We are always seeking to understand more about why, and how it happens that we human beings are seemingly more and more relationally isolated, disconnected, and lonely. And meaner, ruder and less kind to one another, too.

A walk around the neighborhood or a drive to nearly anywhere can easily show us that courtesy, kindness, and basic civility are often in short supply. So many people don’t make eye contact. They don’t hold open a door. They won’t let you merge into traffic. They don’t acknowledge your presence. They don’t use turn signals. They cut you off. They push ahead. They won’t smile. They don’t say thank you. They seem to care about no one else but themselves. 

There seems to be more anger, more judgment, less patience, less grace.

David Brooks asserts this:

“The most important story about why Americans have become sad and alienated and rude, I believe, is also the simplest: We inhabit a society in which people are no longer trained in how to treat others with kindness and consideration. Our society has become one in which people feel licensed to give their selfishness free rein.”

Do you agree?

In listening work, we do hear and observe that many people are angrier and less hopeful about humanity’s ability to be our best selves, to care, to be generous, and to share. And that saddens us when we hear so much pessimism about the human condition and our ability to do what is right and best for the common good.

David Brooks believes the reason why is this:

“We live in a society that’s terrible at moral formation.”

So, what does he mean by “moral formation”?

He writes that it comprises three things - learning to restrain selfishness, teaching basic social and ethical skills, and helping people to find a purpose in life, helping people find practical pathways toward a meaningful life: 

He believes that molding students’ characters is the main purpose of education, not simply teaching skills.

Brooks warmed our hearts when he referenced two heroes of ours in his commentary - one who was a real life human being and one who was a fictional character - Fred (Mr.) Rogers (the real human being) and Ted Lasso (the fictional TV character). In their lives and in their art, both displayed acts of simple goodness - generosity, graciousness, vulnerability, respect, radical goodness, and a way to model, experience, and live lives of moral purpose and meaning. 

They modeled how to be the best versions of ourselves. 

Not mean. Not rude. Not selfish and self-absorbed. 

They showed us something better, something that elevated humanity, by:

• modeling the simple act of paying attention,
• asking what does it mean to be a good human in today’s world,
• committing to being in service to one others, and
• embodying the highest standards of honesty, kindness, and integrity.

David Brooks didn’t explicitly center on this next point. But we’d add one more to this very essential list, one that can make each of these much easier to do and be much more effective when we attempt to do them. Besides, we’d be negligent in our mission if we didn’t suggest this:

• Listening, really, truly listening with empathy, compassion, intention, the desire to learn, and with the belief that everyone has something within them to help enhance the better natures of our common humanity.

We believe that David Brooks is on to something here. Something that can ratchet down the meanness that too often invades our interactions with one another and ratchet up the respect and simple goodness that can create a society - and world - to be a better, more considerate, safer, and more beautiful place.

You can read or listen to David Brooks’ full article - “How America Got Mean” - here.

Photo Credit - WNYC Public Radio