Hold Tenderly That Which You Cherish

Hold tenderly that which you cherish, for it is precious and a tight grip may crush it. Do not let the fear of dropping it cause you to hold it too tightly; the chances are, it’s holding you too.
 
     Bob Alberti

When I (Michael) got up this morning, she wasn’t there. When I came home this afternoon, she didn’t greet me at the door. There was no need to give her breakfast or dinner as I usually do. No need to make certain that she had enough to drink. No need to clean up after her today.

After 15 1/2 years she was gone. Last night our collie/German shepherd mix Cocoa passed from our lives. We had to make the painful decision to let her go. Her increasing incontinence, rapid weight loss, diminished hearing and sight, and inability to walk without repeatedly falling down had finally reached a tipping point. In consultation with the vet, we all agreed that it was time to give her release. We wanted to hold on. We hated to say goodbye.

Cocoa was a wonderful pet, a true gift to our family. She was gentle and affectionate and seemed to think she was human at times. At her best, she put up with the hitting and hair pulling of our son Matthew, who didn’t know how to be gentle and affectionate with her. But it was as if she knew he had disabilities, that he could neither understand nor help himself. She never snapped at him when he hurt her. She never showed anything but tolerance with him, no matter what. Just for that, she was a gift.

But as much as we resisted letting her go, we knew that it was time. To hold on any longer was cruel to her and ever harder on us. So, with our warm memories, we told her we loved her, petted her as she slipped away and later shared stories of her gentle affections after she was gone.

We came across this quote the other day by Bob Alberti, a famous American pianist from Brooklyn, New York. As former piano students ourselves, we both remember being told over and over again by our teachers to relax our fingers, to loosen up, and that the key to being able to play well requires a light touch. Whether it is playing the piano, holding a golf club, grasping a bar of soap, writing with a pen or holding someone’s hand, if we hold on too tightly we will constantly strike out, miss hit or press the wrong notes, drop the soap, write illegibly or hurt the hand we are holding.

There are things in this life that we hold on to too tightly. Whether it’s a relationship, a home or a job—past or present–we often cling to them. We idealize them. We allow them to be a master over us. We, in turn, miss out on the present realities and gifts before us as well as new ones to come our way.

We are reminded of the growing phenomenon over the last few years of “helicopter parents”. College administrators and professors, for example, tell of a generation of parents—because of the prevalence and ease of social media—who contact their children and connect in ways they have never been able to before. They call across the country to make certain their kids are out of bed in the morning, checking daily to see if they have completed their homework. They send a text, reminding them to study for a test, or even to go to class. They email professors if they don’t like an assignment or a grade that was given. They interject themselves into situations they were never able to do before in such a widespread way. The consequence of this is that they do not enable their children to foster a sense of independence and autonomy that is essential at this juncture in their lives. They hover over them as a helicopter would, distracting them, creating noise that does not allow them to find their own healthy way. They are holding on too tightly.

When we become overly dependent upon someone or something else we cannot cherish and truly enjoy others or our experiences. It’s about creating balance. It’s about cherishing what we have on one hand, but on the other hand not holding on so tightly that they have control over us. Appreciating what they offer to us without being dependent and crushing them so that they are of no value at all. Maybe for you it is your own health. You want so badly to remain healthy, but you live with a sense of fear that the illness will return. So you miss out on the healthy moments you do have in the present. Maybe for you it is a material possession. You hold it in such high value that you can’t imagine what your life would be like without it. Or, maybe it is a relationship. Maybe you hold a family member or a friend in such high regard that if he or she were gone your life would be over.

Everything and every situation in this life is temporary, fleeting, transient. Everything in this life is a gift to be enjoyed, but not a gift to be idealized. Everything in this life is precious and meant to be cherished, but if we hold on too tightly we crush the joy those gifts are meant to bring.