For the Want of Intimacy

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.

     Helen Keller

In a recent New Republic article – “The Lethality of Loneliness” – , science editor Judith Shulevitz wrote about the work of German psychiatrist Frieda Fromm-Reichmann.  

In the late 1950’s, Fromm-Reichmann: … figured that loneliness lay at the heart of nearly all mental illness and that the lonely person was just about the most terrifying spectacle in the world. She once chastised her fellow therapists for withdrawing from emotionally unreachable patients rather than risk being contaminated by them. The uncanny specter of loneliness “touches on our own possibility of loneliness,” she said. “We evade it and feel guilty.”…

…They have proved that long-lasting loneliness not only makes you sick; it can kill you. Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. A partial list of the physical diseases thought to be caused or exacerbated by loneliness would include Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, neurodegenerative diseases, and even cancer—tumors can metastasize faster in lonely people. 

… Loneliness, she said—and this will surprise no one—is the want of intimacy. 

The want of intimacy. 

If we can point to one common issue that affects nearly everyone with whom we talk and, especially, to whom we listen, it is loneliness.  A lack of connection.  Shallow relationships.  No real intimacy.   Even among those who are with one another most of the time.    

It is an affliction that cuts across economic, social, racial and gender lines.   We are lonely.  We are isolated.  We are wanting deeper intimacy.  And even in our highly connected digital and social media age we are not nurturing many relationships that are conducive to us achieving those deeper, more trusting, more satisfying, more open and vulnerable relationships. 

We ask, from the standpoint of our spirits, are we meant to be so alone?  Are we meant to exist in loneliness?  How can we truly be who we have been born to be or how can we live a more contented, fulfilling, satisfying, abundant life if we are living it in isolation?  The fact is, we are meant to work, to live and to love in relationships.  But so often we don’t truly know how to do it well and deeply. 

We witness the toll that loneliness takes every day.  We hear the painful stories and we feel the emptiness of those who are lonely.  We are not meant to live feeling so alone. 

Months ago we took a friend on his first visit to New York City.  He, naturally, wanted to see as many of the famous landmarks as he could.  He was especially interested in the architecture of some of the most renowned and iconic buildings – the Post Office, the Empire State Building, St. Patrick’s Cathedral.   We saw as many of them as we could, each of them swarming with tourists, with cameras clicking amidst the cacophony of dozens of the world’s languages. 

During our walk south on Fifth Avenue we slipped into one of the lesser known buildings, the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church.  It was incredibly quiet inside.  No tourists.  No cameras.  No other languages.  It was a very hot day and it felt good to settle in for a few moments into a pew, the three of us, to enjoy the air conditioning and the sanctuary from the rush and noise outside.  But what was expected to be a respite of a few minutes turned into something deeper, something more intimate. 

I don’t want to go back.  I can’t do this anymore.

His head down, his voice a whisper.  He opened up to naked vulnerability.   He was scheduled to go back home, 1,500 miles away and he was dreading it.  His job wasn’t going well at all.  He poured out his frustrations and his fears.  His absolute emptiness and pain.  He had no friends in the community.  He had no one to talk to.  He felt utterly alone.  

He didn’t want to leave that sanctuary.  He didn’t want to leave that safe place, that safe moment. 

Sadly, he is not utterly alone.  By that, we mean there are so many others who feel just the same way.  They feel as if they have no friends, no one whom they can really trust, no one to whom they can share what is really in their souls. 

Our hearts break for this want of intimacy.   Our hearts ache for those who feel as if they are so alone. 

It doesn’t have to be.   It really doesn’t. 

Read the full article,  “The Lethality of Loneliness”  here.

Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash