Expectations

The best things in life are unexpected –- because there were no expectations.
 
     Eli Khamarov 

Yesterday was my (Tom’s) birthday. When I was a child I often had huge grandiose expectations about how my birthday should go. If it didn’t go the way I planned it to or if people didn’t respond the way I thought they should or if I didn’t receive the exact gifts I wanted, it left me discouraged and deeply disappointed.

But with age and experience can come maturity. Now as an adult, as a husband and a father of four, I realize that birthdays – or any other days in life – won’t be even close to perfect days. You see, as a child I was setting others in charge of my birthday. I was putting (often unspoken) expectations on them to make the day big and very special. I was making them responsible for my happiness.

Ultimately, though, I was (and still am) responsible for that happiness. It is I who is responsible for the goodness of that day or any day in my life. Contentment comes for any of us from our realistic and reasonable expectations and from the attitudes we take on about our circumstances. And even though my birthday yesterday wasn’t a perfect day in the ways I thought a birthday should be when I was a kid, I recognized it as a great day anyway. You know why? Because it was enough that I got a handmade card from my kids, that we were able to spend what was a beautiful afternoon outside at a park, that friends made and delivered dinner for us, that I was able use some birthday money to buy a book that I have really wanted to read, that I could sit and hold our two twin daughters and give thanks for all the goodness and wonder in my life and that I was able to have some valuable time of quiet and stillness to reflect, too. I never really had expectations that any of those things would take place.

Ultimately, the day wasn’t really about a wrapped gift or a party or anything else for which we set huge – and often unrealistic – expectations. When we do we will certainly be disappointed when things don’t go just the way we want them to.

Often, quotes about expectations focus on setting on high standards that we need to achieve. Many of them send the message that we will get what we expect in life. If we expect little, we will rarely be disappointed. If we expect much, we will achieve much. But when we set rigorously high expectations we will never see the good things that are happening. We will never be able to celebrate them for what they are – real progress, real achievements, real accomplishments, even if they are imperfect. We, instead, will only see what is wrong, what is missing, what is incomplete.

William Shakespeare once wrote – Expectation is the route of all heartache. We wouldn’t take it as far as he did. But we understand his point and the message about high expectations that he is trying to make.

Too often, we expect so much out of certain situations and circumstances that we will always end up being disappointed. And because of that we can never see the good in any situation because we are always wishing things to be better. To be different. To be perfect.

It is our challenge to keep from idealizing – our families and friends, holidays, anniversaries, wedding ceremonies, reunions and leaders, for example. That idealization will only frustrate us, disillusion us and hurt us. Not one of us is perfect. No Christmas or special event or wedding or marriage will ever perfect and without some complication. No leader will ever be able to do all that they say they can or that we want them to do. If we expect perfection there will never be satisfaction in our lives.

Donald Miller has written – When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. That is appropriate as well for life’s daily routines and life’s special moments. It is appropriate for our work and for our play. It is appropriate for our institutions. And it is appropriate for ourselves, too.