Doorways

Learn as if you were going to live forever, live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

     Gandhi

When she received the diagnosis it wasn’t good.  Lung cancer.  It left her with little hope.  Her life was going to end. 

So, she went about the business of saying “goodbye”.  There were people she wanted to see, things she wanted to do, conversations she wanted to have.  She embraced her reality.  It certainly wasn’t what she wanted, at all.  But she felt it left her with only this choice – despair about what was happening and live the remainder of her days in bitterness and anger or embrace what was real and live those days with fullness and joy. 

She chose to embrace what was, a decision that lifted her to a place of peace and she greeted her days with a deep passion for life.   Yet as she lived, she prepared each day to die.  She left her job.  She prepared meals for her husband and stocked the chest freezer in the basement with enough food for months.  She spent as much time in their vacation home at the beach as she could, a spot she loved dearly.  She lunched with her friends and spent as much time as she could with her mom.  She wanted to take every opportunity she could to share with the people she loved, as she prepared to die. 

And then, she didn’t die. 

Against the odds, it didn’t happen when they expected it too.  In fact, she continued to live.  Her health improved.  Her diagnosis appeared to be wrong.  Her prognosis was definitely wrong, too.  She looked good.  Was active.  She kept on going and did all the things she wanted to do.

And, she grew angry.  It’s not that she didn’t want to live.  She loved her life and those who were in it.  But after all the preparations, after leaving her job, filling the freezer, traveling to the beach, saying goodbye to her friends and lovingly caring for her mother, she had gotten to a place where she was happily ready to go.  She had made peace with it and in fact found comfort in it.  And after making all the plans, she didn’t know what to do when what they told her would happen, didn’t.  She was ready to go and then she couldn’t.

When he received his diagnosis – told he had less than a year to live with pancreatic cancer – he had a choice too.  It was the same as hers.  Resent it or embrace it.  Hold a hostile grudge or find a way to create the best life he could with the time he had left. 

He told his friends that there was something to be thankful for.  It was the gift of time.  Not unlimited time.  But finite time.  How could that be good?  How could he be thankful?  For him, knowing that there is a determined amount of time left has helped him to establish his priorities.  If there are people he wants to see, things he wants to do and conversations he wants to have.  And he’s having them. 

It’s been said that our most important conversations happen when we are in doorways, when we’re leaving someplace, someone.  It’s true.  It’s usually when the I’m sorry’s are expressed, when the I love you’s are said, when the most important information that has to be shared now or maybe not at all is offered.  It’s when we prepare to take our leave from anything or anyone – including our leave from this life – that can compel us to prioritize and make certain that what is important to us is cared for.  That vital things are not left undone.  That significant people are not left out.  That essential words are not unspoken. 

It is a gift when we learn this lesson.   The fortunate people among us learn it standing in the doorways.  The most fortunate, though, learn it before the doorways loom, embracing our lives and all that they offer with even more time left.

Photo by Elizabeth Villalta on Unsplash