Compassion: Signs of Hope

When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.

~Henri Nouwen

This morning we spent time reflecting on our past, where we have been, pains we have experienced, moments of disappointment, disapproval, or humiliation.  The more time we spend together, the deeper our conversation go.  The more we open up, sharing points of vulnerability, the more we have grown in understanding each other and ourselves.  That enables us to grow in understanding of the people we love and serve too.  

We both recall stories of being and feeling left out when we were growing up.  I (Michael) was always the shortest boy in every class from elementary school through high school–and ultimately through graduate school as well.  I still remember well the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment created when choosing sides for basketball (and most other sports as well) in school.  Invariably because of my size I was perceived as being unable to be a valuable team member so I was often chosen last.  It is hard to forget standing in a line against the gym wall as one by one other boys were picked for the teams and I continually was passed over.  In those moments, I desperately wanted to melt into the floor, to be there at all.  Those moments contributed to my lack of belief in myself and especially my athletic abilities.  Those were definitely painful moments.  

I (Tom) can remember back to 8^th grade math class.  Every Friday our math teacher broke the class down in to three teams for Math Jeopardy.  Yep, math Jeopardy.  I am not a math guy at all (my wife can attest to this better than anyone) and so every week I was called upon during the game to respond to a math question to help (or not to help) our team.  Every Friday I was made to look like a fool.  Every Friday I underwent the scorn and shame of every other student in the class, especially my teammates, as I answered incorrectly.  Every week I could hear the groan from my teammates when I was selected for their team.  Those days were especially painful and embarrassing days for me too.  

But those days, we now realize as adults, were days that shaped us, that lead us to where we are today as men, as professionals, as husbands, as fathers, and as friends.  They lead us to value compassion.  They molded us to know very personally what shame, rejection, exclusion, abandonment, and low-self worth feel like.  Those memories enable us to empathize with others who have similar stories to tell too. 

Maybe for you it wasn’t math class but maybe it was gym.  You were the one selected last when sides were chosen for the kickball game.  Or maybe its at your job, you weren’t selected to receive the raise you had been hoping for for the past several months.  You feel overlooked.  Maybe you are a young adult and you are hoping and praying for a spouse and at times you feel like no one is even noticing you.  Like you just don’t cut it—that there isn’t another woman or man in the world for me.  Or how about this example.  Maybe it’s a family member who doesn’t have any children of their own.  And when you are around them they seem to make insensitive comments about your parenting abilities or lack thereof and so you feel judged.  And you are thinking to yourself, ‘Just wait…Just wait until you have kids of your own…you have no idea what its like!!!’ 

We all have a story to tell.  We all have moments of despair.  We all need to enter into those places of pain in our common journey through life.  And when we do, when we allow our pain to join with the pain of others we can be transformed from people of despair to people of hope.

Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash