Compassion: Presence

When do we receive real comfort and consolation?  Is it when someone teaches us how to think or act?  Is it when we receive advice about where to go or what to do?  Is it when we hear words of reassurance and hope?  Sometimes, perhaps.  But what really counts is that in moments of pain and suffering someone stays with us.  More important than any particular action or word of advice is the simple presence of someone who cares.  When someone says to us in the middle of a crisis, “I do not know what to say or what to do, but I want you to realize that I am with you, that I will not leave you alone.”  We have a friend through whom we can find consolation and comfort.

-Henri Nouwen

 In our last post we shared about how we are starting a series based off a book by Henri Nouwen called Compassion.  We defined, based off of his book, what compassion looks like.  We shared examples of instances where we have received compassion and where compassion was lacking.  As we continue today, we hope to discuss the gift of compassionate presence.  

Lately we have had several conversation with young adults who are searching to try and find meaning and purpose for their lives.  Most of them are struggling to discern their own sense of call and vocation and where they believe they can best utilize the gifts and abilities they have been given.  We know of one young woman in particular who feels as if her parents are pushing her in a direction that she does not want to go.  They say that the direction they propose will be more profitable, financially stable, and secure.  And while that may be true, this young woman knows inherently that this direction will not fulfill her, will not bring her joy, and is not what she feels most gifted to do. 

We also know of young man who has experienced a painful and difficult breakup.  The pain lingers even after several months.  Friends sometimes insist on telling him what his X-girlfriend is doing since their breakup—he doesn’t want to hear it.  Family members tell him he needs to get on with his life and he should simply move on and leave the past behind—but it’s not that simple.  

We know of another individual who recently left a long term-highly regarded position.  He still has many friends in the company and they keep insisting on telling him how well the new guy is doing, how successful he is, and how well liked he is.  This person doesn’t need to hear that.  It was hard to leave that position and it doesn’t help that some keep reopening some of the wounds connected with leaving. 

Our friends and family members are so often quick to want to offer us advice, to tell us what to do or not to do, to simply fix the problem and “help” us move forward.  But so often, all we need is someone to be present with us—just to listen to us—not to offer us advice—but just to walk through the darkness by our side.  That is compassionate presence.  That is often the best and most healing gift we can give.  We believe Nouwen’s words are so profound when he says: But what really counts is that in moments of pain and suffering someone stays with us.  More important than any particular action or word of advice is the simple presence of someone who cares. 

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash