Change and Loss

Change often seems so difficult for many people. We resist, We delay. We often oppose it, trying to avoid it. 

We try to ignore its inevitability. We deny that it’s happening and can’t accept its presence, even when the change is ultimately good.

So, why is change so hard for so many of us to accept?

A treasured friend whose entire career has been in the listening space in various forms, helping others to process and make sense of their feelings and experiences, has recently said that it’s not so much the change that is being resisted, as it is the loss of treasured and valued parts of our lives that often occur anytime any change takes place. 

It may be the loss of relationships or at least aspects of those relationships that we love and cherish.

It may be the loss of something we’ve deeply enjoyed that is now gone and that may never be enjoyed again. 

It may be the loss of health, or a job, or a freedom we hold dear that strips us of autonomy, mobility, dignity, security, ability, or power.

The number of losses can be astronomical. As we go through life, those losses add up and we carry them deeply, sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously within our bodies, minds, and spirits. 

Change and the very real losses that any change can bring can be very painful. Even when the change may be for the best. 

This is one of the greatest challenges of human life. Adapting to inevitable changes can take hard work, a long time, and much intention.

We all face change differently. There is often not just one way to accept and embrace it - or to grieve the losses that come with it. 

We think of the grieving widow who left her husband’s voice remaining on the answering machine in her home in the weeks following his passing. Her well-meaning extended family and friends urged her strongly to erase it. They believed that hearing his voice over and over again had to be too much for her to handle. They believed that erasing his voice from her answering machine would be most helpful for her to begin to heal. 

The fact of the matter was that it was actually most helpful for them. The awkwardness they felt when hearing his voice was most likely the real and unspoken reason for their urging.

But she lamented to us that his voice was then the only and most tangible and closest thing she had remaining of him and the everyday life they shared together. His voice was a comfort to her in those early days of her loss. It warmed her. It allowed her to hold on to what she couldn’t yet let go of as she was forced to let go of so much so soon, so suddenly, already. She needed his voice in that time of stark transition. We told her that she had every right to hold onto it for as long as she needed it, as she strove to accept and come to terms with the terrible loss of so much else of him. 

We and our listeners hear stories of so much loss, in all of its forms. In the changes that loss brings about, we help people to cope with the loss and healthily deal with the inevitable fact of change throughout all of our lives. 

It’s human to - maybe not so much to resist change - but certainly to fear loss in our lives. All of us can model empathy and give validation to those who are struggling with their losses - and to accompany them through the pain, the uncertainty, and the grief as they seek healing, clarity, and a way forward, again. We can show a better way as others and ourselves face the inevitable changes in our lives and the losses that they bring. 

Photo by Nishal Pavithran on Unsplash