Best Men

January 2014, via email:

Right after the new year began, my wife of 14 years shared that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue with our marriage. She informed me that she “needed space” to sort through her feelings. We had just experienced a season of many difficulties: my battle with cancer in 2011; my mom’s recent battle with breast cancer; her mom’s passing away in the summer of 2013; the death of my dad last month; and to add to all that, I found one of the persons I am working with – dead - in his home two weeks ago.

My wife’s request for distance shocked me. I was absolutely devastated.

During the next few weeks, I experienced a numbness that is indescribable. I knew that our marriage had been struggling, but my ability to see “reality” was enveloped in clouds of denial. Sleeplessness, overwhelming feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection created a spiral downward into an abyss of severe depression. I was truly spiritually, physically, and emotionally bankrupt. My life was in total collapse and I felt severely hopeless.

We responded as soon as we could:

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. It took an incredible amount of courage and we are proud of you for taking the first step.

Your story is filled with so much pain, frustration, and disappointment; we are unspeakably sorry … The simple fact that you are reaching out today shows your openness to finding healing from the brokenness you are experiencing ...

... Is there one part of this that is especially painful for you?

He replied:

I am beating myself up pretty bad. Am very hurt - feeling betrayed, sad, anxious, fearful, and obsessed with the impending season of us “taking a time-out” of our marriage. As a recovering addict who can be co-dependent, I feel responsible for everything, but I know that is a lie. I am willing to take full responsibility for my hang-ups, hurts, and behaviors, but I need to allow her to do the same... if she chooses ... Also, I don’t even know how to continue the grieving process after losing my dad ... Pain. Numb. Confusion. Denial.

We offered to meet him. He was able to, the following week on a Friday, at an area coffee shop.

The man who walked in looked as if he had been totally beaten up by life. An indescribable weight was bearing down on him. His appearance suggested someone who had everything, figuratively everything, in his life “hit the fan”- and it had. Our immediate response was to each give him the giant hug we sensed he needed.

We chose a table closest to the window. The sun had already started to set. Winter’s gloom – and his despair - invaded the room. The coffee wasn’t warming his spirits, but we hoped the conversation and our presence could, somehow. We genuinely cared and we listened, as intently as we could, as he voiced what his wounded heart was feeling. We tried our best not to offer pious platitudes or “quick fix” formulas. Instead we tried to simply enter into the horrendous confusion with him. His words were few, and sometimes absent altogether. There were many moments in which the three of us simply sat, not speaking, still, in solidarity with him.

We continued meeting with him nearly every Friday through the winter and into the spring. We sent him regular email and text messages reminding him he was loved. We knew he wasn’t feeling loved, especially by himself. Knowing of his deep faith and intentional reliance on scripture, we sent him passages we hoped would have meaning to him. There were days when he would call us on his lunch break, needing encouragement. We did our best to inspire him to stay focused, just to make it through another day. We invited him to take time off of work to go hiking, to see a movie, or to go out to eat - anything with the potential to help him take his mind off the intense hurt wracking his soul. We wanted him to know there was more to his life than the devastation he was experiencing. But for the longest time he wasn’t ready. Our conversations were acutely intense because his agony and sorrow were so great to bear.

… We often felt as if we weren’t helping him at all.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a new day appeared to be dawning. As winter turned into spring and spring into summer his empty and deflated heart started to show signs of filling up again. For a change of scenery and pace we asked him if he would be willing to meet us at a different coffee shop. He agreed. A new environment seemed symbolic of the beginning of his new outlook.

“… ‘I have some big news to share’ …”

He was going to Oregon for a job interview. He got the job. He drove across the country from Pennsylvania and treated us to a fantastic brunch at the iconic Hotel Hershey, in Hershey Pennsylvania, the morning that he left. We were the last people he said goodbye to before he drove away. 

“… Two weeks after he arrived in his new state and at his new job he visited a new church and quietly slipped into a seat. Before the service began a friendly woman, about his age, sat down next to him in the area in which she always sat. They greeted one another and continued a conversation following the service. Learning he was quite new to the area, she invited him to have coffee at a place nearby. He accepted. They kept having coffee and had hundreds more conversations. Daily. Serious. Emotionally intimate. She, too, had great trauma and disruption in her life. Her husband was killed while driving, leaving her a single mom with three adolescent children. The past seven years had been lonely; starting over with no partner, raising the children by herself was an immense responsibility.

They became two wounded souls slowly beginning to help heal one another. They fell in love.

He kept us apprised of developments in their relationship. He introduced us to her and together, the four of us had many conversations. They were perfect for each other, we believed.

Just as we were doing our final edits for this book we both received this series of texts:

Good evening, gents, just a quick update ... we had some serious chats this weekend. We are discussing what moving towards marriage looks like!!!!

... I’m going to ask her officially tomorrow. Will keep you posted ...

... Hey guys! Miracle!!! She said yes!!!!! Any chance you guys can be my Best Men on 7/22? Thanks for everything. NEVER dreamed in a million years that I would see myself as the most fortunate man on Earth – like today. We both love you.

We accepted his touching invitation to be his best men. 

_______________________________

We wrote this story in our second book, Someone To Tell It To: Moved with Compassion. We share this excerpt again today because of what happened next.

Since we were Michael’s best men, one of the very highest privileges we’ve been given, we continue to keep in touch with him, he on the west coast of the United States, we on the east coast. We’ve shared time with him and his wife when they’ve visited here on the east coast. We talk on the phone as often as we can. We text one another to check in and be of constant encouragement. We listen. We always listen, to show our love as each of us navigate the ever-winding pathways of our intersecting lives. 

We treasure our friendship with him and the bond that was forged in pain and deepened through unwavering commitment and emotional intimacy. 

Just a week ago, we presented about our listening work to a large conference here in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Just before our presentation was about to begin, a woman approached us and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Jill. I’m a friend of Michael’s. I worked directly with him when he was here in Pennsylvania. I loved working with him. He was so encouraging and supportive. He was thoughtful and generous and kind. And he told me so about you, how you helped him during that immensely painful time he was going through with his divorce. I miss him. But we still keep in touch. When I saw you were presenting here today, I definitely wanted to meet you and to let you know this. I’m so glad I can. Thank you for what you did for him, and for continuing to support him in his new life.”

What a gift it was to us for Jill to be there last week and to introduce herself to and to relate what she did about Michael. As soon as we were done with the presentation, we texted this photo to Michael, our joy at meeting her and hearing what she conveyed, overwhelming. It’s why we do what we do, to see how it affects and brightens others’ lives. 

Michael simply responded, Love!!!