Being Afraid to Fail

When I was in high school, I (Tom) took a shop class that, to be perfectly honest, I really did not like.  While I’m not an expert I do have a few skills at carpentry and crafting things with my hands.  But the teacher of this class did not in any way help me to believe that I was skilled at all.  He was critical and intimidating and his method of teaching made me feel like a huge failure in the class.  He never created an environment in which I felt any of us could make any mistakes or be less than perfect.  He was fearsome and I did my best to avoid him as much as I could.  Every day that I had his class I hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t be there.   And my heart sunk and my stomach churned every time I saw him coming through the door into the shop. 

The environment that he created was debilitating.  It’s a feeling and a strong memory that still stay with me nearly 15 years later.   It still haunts me when I make a mistake or when I’m not perfect.  It’s as if what I learned best in that class is that I am no good when I everything isn’t “just so”.

And that’s not a very good feeling to have.

I wish I could say that a high school shop class was the only forum I have been afraid to fail in–but that just isn’t true.  A big part of my story has revolved around this debilitating issue.

I (Michael) remember, too, my high school days in gym class.  I was the smallest boy in my entire class, from day one of first grade to graduation day 12 years later. For most of those years I was intimidated athletically because of my size.  My short stature was most evident in gym class when we played basketball.  Lined up against the gym wall while tall and confident kids chose teams, I was invariably one of the last boys picked for a team.  The teacher made it clear that every boy had to be chosen.  But the team captains and most of the team members also made it clear that those of us chosen last were chosen very reluctantly.  At least that’s how it felt.  I spent a lot of years feeling unathletic, unpopular and unworthy, especially when it came to sports.  But that feeling also translated into many other areas of life, which at times was also debilitating and certainly discouraging.   Not until I realized that I could actually run faster than just about every other boy in my class and began to be recognized for that athletic ability did I begin to feel as if I belonged and had a place on any team.   But even so, years later as an adult, those humiliating memories can still be easily conjured.  They don’t feel good.

How many of us who are not always perfect – and that is every one of us – live with similar fears, insecurities and feelings?  How many of us struggle with feeling not good enough, not worthy enough?  That is all of us too.  In some way or another, with some thing or another (if not many things) every one of us feels lacking, imperfect and as if we are disappointing others and letting them down.

 No one should have to struggle with that.  Instead of condemning our humanness – our differing abilities, our distinctiveness and the fact that none of us is gifted in every single area of life – we, instead, need to celebrate what makes each of us unique and valuable in our own special ways.  The fact is, our humanness and our uniqueness can compel us to work more closely and cooperate more freely together.  The fact is, as well, that we need each other to share our own special gifts for the good of the whole.

When will we ever learn to recognize and celebrate the best that exists in each of us?  When will we ever learn not to humiliate and degrade the abilities about one another that we don’t possess?  When will we ever learn that none of us can do it all or have it all or know it all?  When will we ever learn that we need the best of each other, in everyone, to make our communities, our families and our lives the strongest and healthiest that we can be?

When will we ever learn not to degrade and denigrate each other for our simple humanness and instead affirm one another for the gifts we do have and the distinctive people that each of us are?

Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash