Before It's Too Late

We hear hard things through the listening we do with others.

Stories of broken relationships, intense grief, debilitating pain, scarring abuse, unrelenting loneliness. Heart-breaking stories that we hope in the telling, begin to set the storytellers free.

Yet, when we see what many post online via social media, there are a lot of  occasions when what people put out there publicly, does not match the story they are telling us privately. There is a noticeable disconnect between the public and private personas. 

We understand it. All of us hold onto things we wouldn’t want just anyone and everyone to know. It’s our human nature to want to put the best parts of ourselves on view. The more embarrassing parts, the less flattering aspects, the harsher edges, are often reserved for only a few, if anyone at all.

We consider it to be a privilege when we hear: “I’ve never told this to anyone else before”. It means that we are trusted to hold other’s stories with respect, dignity, and grace.

And so, we hold those more private truths, those more vulnerable stories, in confidence, and without judgment, so that others know they are safe with us. Safe to unburden themselves to help lighten their spirits, hearts, and minds to live with greater peace and well-being.   

If adults struggle with what is out there about them in public, especially on social media, how must children and teenagers handle what has been made public about them or their family or their friends and classmates?

Adults who actually do post things about themselves that are very open and vulnerable, open themselves up to criticism and judgment when they do it. Often it’s brutal criticism and judgment. Very brutal, savagely so. And then there are those who don’t post such things, but someone else does - something mean or attacking or incredibly harsh - about someone else. It can be massively painful and devastating to so many who are “called out” in such brutal ways. They didn’t ask for it. But someone thinks they deserve it, and so they post it. It can often be devastating to those adults, even dangerous and life-threatening, depending on what was shared for the whole world to see.

If it’s devastating for adults, just imagine what it might be for.children and teenagers, who suffer the same experiences. 

That is why the United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy has proposed this week that:

“... tobacco-style warning labels be placed on social media sites to alert users that the platforms can harm children’s mental health, escalating his warnings about the effects of online services such as Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.”

In the Washington Post article - Surgeon General Calls for Social Media Warning Labels:

“Murthy urged Congress to enact legislation requiring that social media platforms include a surgeon general’s warning to ‘regularly remind parents and adolescents that social media has not been proved safe.’”

Dr. Murthy cited evidence that adolescents who spend significant time on social media are at greater risk of experiencing anxiety and depression and that many young people say the platforms have worsened their body image. He indicated that warning labels, like those on tobacco and alcohol products, have been shown to change people’s behaviors.

In his essay, Murthy wrote that warning labels should be just one part of a broader set of stepped-up rules to track and limit social media’s effect on consumers — all of which would require the help of Congress.

Murthy said that congressional action is also needed to prevent platforms from collecting sensitive data from children and that there should be restrictions on features such as push notifications, autoplay and infinite scroll, which he said contribute to excessive use.

We agree.

Something needs to be done. Social media can be a marvelous way of keeping in touch, sharing appropriate and helpful information, and connecting us in ways to those far away like no other means of communication can. But … like every good thing, if used unhealthily, social media can destroy lives, exacerbate loneliness and disconnection, and ruin reputations.

Especially for children and teenagers.

We asked a long-time teacher about their experience teaching a middle school course on digital wellness, and having seen many disturbing trends related to social media use by students. Here is an excerpt of our conversation:

“I will say that AT LEAST once per year, the police have had to become involved with something that a 6th grader has done on social media. Whether that is a crime of vandalism that was encouraged and "pushed" through on Tik-Tok (like removing one of the sinks in the bathroom, splattering orange paint all over the bathroom, or exposing oneself to classmates) or the requesting, sending, or distributing nude or semi-nude pictures through SnapChat, or the threatening of the school or an individual with an explosive device on Instagram, all of that has  happened in the past 3 years alone. 

“Twice last year, the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI saw posts made by a student in the district and alerted the school. Those are all out crimes that can change the course of a student's life. Especially if they are over the age of 18. The fact is that social media makes it very easy for people to commit crimes that they don't even realize ARE crimes. Racial intimidation, homophobic slurs, threatening language, "jokes" that are taken as anything but a joke, etc. It concerns me deeply. 

Social media concerns me for students because they are incapable of telling the difference between things that are benign and things that are infectious. They do not understand the brain science that is behind the development of these apps and they do not know how something that is designed to addict can permanently alter their physiology. Worse, they wouldn't care even if they did know. Their prefrontal cortex isn't formed yet and they are willing to risk it all for the sake of that dopamine hit and the lure of popularity and drama. If they see something on social media, they assume that it is true. Then they act on that truth and get burned by the misinformation. One TikTok challenge involved the eating of a chip called the One-Chip-Challenge. It was so soaked in capsaicin oil that it was at the level of 1,000,000 Scoville heat units. One kid at our school bought one and brought it to class and ate it. He split the chip between four kids. One threw up 5 separate times. So did the others that he shared it with. The package was clearly marked as not for children under 18 but he got someone to buy it for him. And that was AFTER I told them how dangerous that the chip was for children. They still went ahead and ate it. 

“I'm concerned because social media avoids direct conversation with the actual people who live with us and care about us. No one spends social media time with their parents. That's just not what they do. They use it to consult with same-age peers. So they are growing up with a constant influence of children who don't know any more of life than they do. It's a loss of the influence of age and experience that can help shape children. It's a way that they spend their lives OTHER than where they actually are at any given point. I know that many children leave my class to go to the bathroom so that they can check their social media feeds and respond to their friends. These trips end up happening like clockwork. They watch the clock and then go, oblivious to what is happening in the classroom, but fully engaged in what might be happening in their social media feeds. So they miss out on the world in front of them in favor of the world that is set up in social media.

“The content of social media is equally disturbing. There is incredible violence, heavy sexual imagery - even pornography, all over even the sites like YouTube that are considered "safe". If teens do not have proper controls in place, it's like trying to learn to drive at 150 mph. Or better yet, going into the grocery store and choosing meat from the case without having the slightest idea what is safe, how long it has been there, and what bacteria could be present in it. The notion that children should be able to make good choices is one of the lies our society has told itself. That we give them the opportunity to actually MAKE all of those choices is absolutely mind-blowing. Parents of a certain demographic are concerned about what message a book or a teacher or a flag or a slogan might have on THEIR child, yet they have no awareness of what that child is seeing and doing on social media. THAT's where the real danger is. If I were capable of brainwashing kids, I would already be doing it and I would be getting them OFF social media all together.”

What a riveting and disturbing account of just one teacher’s experiences and knowledge of the data which backs up what this teacher has seen.

We agree that something needs to be done to help these platforms to be used to enhance - not destroy - relationships and lives. We applaud the Surgeon General for taking a stand to try to protect those who are the most vulnerable among us and to enable them to lead healthier emotional and relational lives. It’s time now to do something meaningful that can help protect children and teenagers, before it’s too late.

Photo by Egor Myznik on Unsplash