Are We Flawed and Unworthy of Love?

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. 

Brené Brown

Our society has been doing it for centuries – shaming people publically.   We seem to like to make people feel as if they are not worthy and that they deserve public humilation.  As if that will make them change their behavior.  But it rarely does.  It often just hardens their resolve and drives them further underground, but all the while continuing their behavior.  Their motivations seldom change.

Two weeks ago we wrote about shame, how we do not believe that shaming people is a healthy way to help encourage them to come to honest and open terms with their negative behaviors and to change them.

We received many comments from readers and from others we know about this topic.  It generated some good discussions, which we like and appreciate.   A few days after we posted that message we appeared in a public radio interview.   The interview host focused several thoughtful questions on that blog and the issue of shame.  During the show, which was live, we had a caller who also focused on shame, specifically declaring that shame would be an appropriate response to elected officials who violate the public trust.

We responded that, of course, there needs to consequences for those who hurt others and amends need to be made.  But we also answered that shame is not the way to motivate others to change their behavior.  We believe that it actually hurts efforts to affect positive change.

In a blog post this week, the researcher and author Brené Brown also addresses the issue of shame –

It is human nature, … to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It’s when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others, or to stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help.

She also writes –

Along with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is much more likely to be the source of dangerous, destructive, and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.

We wholeheartedly agree and affirm her conclusions.  We see it in those whom we counsel and listen to all the time.  Shame is actually a deterrent, a discourager of open and honest behavior, a detriment to people changing their habits and adopting more positive actions.   People don’t need to hear that they are despicable and contemptible.  We need to know that we are worthy of love and capable of growth and goodness, instead.  That will surely motivate and help us more.

We hope that you’ll take the time to read Brené Brown’s blog.  It echoes our understandings, experiences and beliefs.  It encourages us to reflect on the ways we want to respond to others’ vulnerabilities and mistakes.